Life brings with it both joyous and sorrowful events, so you’ll most likely have to attend the funeral of a friend, loved one, coworker or community member at some point in your life. Especially in the digital age, it’s helpful to have a handle on your etiquette at these events. After all, you’ll not only need to demonstrate respectful reverence, but also contribute to making the day as painless as possible for the deceased’s family and friends.
What Should I Wear?
While black is the traditional color of mourning, Country Living contributor Jill Gleeson reminds readers that they have other options. She cites suggestions from etiquette maven Diane Gottsman emphasizing understated, tasteful apparel in hues such as black, blue, grey or eggplant. If you’re attending a “life celebration” that commemorates the deceased in a more upbeat fashion, you’ve got a bit more leeway in terms of clothing, but don’t choose overly casual wear such as shorts or flip-flops. Whatever you choose, the experts at the Emily Post Institute stress that it should be clean, neat and pressed. Most importantly, it should reflect the tone of the event.
Conducting Yourself With Decorum
The key thing to remember about funerals is that you want to avoid drawing unnecessary attention to yourself. With that in mind, Funeralwise offers several sound tips for your attendance:
- Arrive early, allowing yourself enough time to locate parking and seating.
- Be sure to sign the guest book.
- Don’t seek out the deceased’s family before the funeral.
- Turn off your cellphone, or if you must keep it on for emergencies, switch to its vibrate setting.
- Take fussy children outside, or excuse yourself if you become extremely emotional.
- Do not talk, eat, drink or take photos during the service.
- Steer clear of taking pictures of the deceased inside the casket or close-ups of grieving people.
What Should I Say to Loved Ones?
Talking about death can feel uncomfortable or awkward. You may be tempted to “stay out of people’s grief,” as a character from the popular video game Mass Effect: Andromeda puts it. Nonetheless, you may still wish to offer your condolences. Don’t use cliché phrases such as “God took him” or “she’s in a better place,” and avoid asking sensitive questions such as how the person died or how bereaved individuals feel. Instead, express your sympathies in your own words. If you’re still stuck for an appropriate bon mot, Gleeson proposes that you can share a fond memory or say something such as, “My thoughts are with you.”
Should I Send Flowers?
Although it’s customary in most Western cultures to send flower arrangements to a house of worship or funeral home in advance of memorial services, this practice is frowned upon in some circles. Rabbi Ruth Adar, who blogs at the Coffee Shop Rabbi, explains in a 2016 post that flowers should not be sent to a Jewish funeral. Besides the lack of Jewish customs that include flowers during mourning, Adar points to a deep-seated belief within the culture that all should be treated equally, even in death. A memorial donation to a charitable group is more welcome, but it doesn’t hurt to check with the individual’s loved ones. Keep in mind that some families, regardless of their religious backgrounds, may specify a preferred organization to make donations in the deceased’s name.
The purpose of attending a funeral is to pay your last respects, but you are also there to support a communal effort to commemorate someone’s life and support his or her grieving loved ones. For these reasons, proper etiquette is critical. Your goal is to conduct yourself with propriety and avoid offending or hurting bereaved individuals. Following general behavioral guidelines and offering kind words are the best way to ensure your presence is welcome.
Add Your Comment