Divorce often brings up a great deal of strife in families. People can get divorced for a wide range of reasons, but when you are the children of parents getting divorced, the reason likely doesn't matter much to you. All that you care about is the fact that your two parents, the two people who you looked up to the most, are ending their marriage. For a child, this can be difficult to comprehend and understand. Custody battles, sharing holidays, and hearing one parent gripe about the other can be a true challenge.
Some marriages will go on for 20 plus years before they end in divorce. This means that the children are often grown and out of the house when this happens. Believe it or not, a divorce can be just as difficult on adult children as it can be on kids. In some ways, it can create even more confusion. It can be hard to understand and process, but unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Here are some tips for handling your parents' divorce.
It's Not Your Fault
Both children and adults tend to blame themselves when their parents call it quits. Whether it's because you think you were too demanding, too stressful, or simply didn't do things right, you may be thinking that you could have done something to change the outcome of your parents' relationship. However, this is simply not the case. Your parents are divorcing because they no longer want to be married to each other, and this has nothing to do with you.
You might know that you didn't do anything wrong but still feel like you should have been able to do something to stop it. The fact is, this was going to happen no matter what you did. Having these feelings of guilt is unhealthy and will just make the process of going through your parents' divorce even harder. While it's hard to accept, telling yourself that you had nothing to do with it can help relieve some of the feelings of guilt you may be experiencing.
Your Relationship Is Not Doomed
You may be thinking that since your parents couldn't make it work, that you are doomed to wind up divorced as well. Whether you are already married or not, you may think it's only a matter of time before you do something to screw up the relationship. This is not true either. Your parents' relationship has nothing to do with your relationship. Sure, your parents' divorce is going to change some aspects of your life, but the only way it will affect your relationship with your significant other is if you let it.
Talk With Your Parents
Having an open dialogue with your parents can be helpful for understanding why this is happening. Chances are, your parents just don't get along anymore and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault. Still, there are a few things you may want to mention to them:
- You love them both very much.
- Because you love them both, you don't want to be caught in the middle or hear one parent bad-mouthing the other.
- You need time to sort through your emotions and don't want to feel pressured to choose one parent over the other.
Your parents both still love you very much, and they likely want to make this as easy as they can on you. Mentioning these things can help them understand the impact their divorce is having on you.
In the end, there's nothing you can do about your parents' divorce. All you have control over is how you respond to it. Don't blame yourself, don't wonder what you could have done differently, and don't think you are bound to wind up divorced too. All of these thoughts are inaccurate and will likely make the divorce even harder for you to get through.
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