When someone says the word “wedding,” most people will picture a bride and groom, while a few individuals may think of two brides or two grooms. Since wedding traditions are based on gendered cultural norms in many societies, individuals who do not fit the male-female binary face some common obstacles when planning their own nuptials. Nevertheless, nonbinary, genderqueer, genderfluid and agender people usually rely on creativity and a willingness to break from customs to organize nuptial celebrations tailored to their ideas and values.
Gender-Nonspecific Wording for the Wedding
From invitations to ceremonial vows, most of the language you’ll encounter during the planning stages will be heavily gender-specific. Rectifying this may be easy in some cases, but other situations may call for “thinking outside the box.” The Offbeat Bride’s guide to gender-neutral wedding wording offers many helpful suggestions. “Spouse” can simply replace “husband” or “wife” while “spouse-to-be” or “betrothed” could stand in for “fiancé” and “fiancée.” Admittedly, “bride” and “groom” are the most difficult terms to swap out, but you can collaborate with your wedding planner, vendors and officiant to come to agreeable alternatives. For example, the phrase “you may now kiss the bride” could easily be switched out with something like “you may now share a kiss.”
With all this in mind, make sure you notify your vendors of your preferences well in advance of the big day. Your officiant, your DJ and others will need to know which language to use when introducing you as a couple or referring to you in third person. This is especially true if you’re both changing your last names, if neither of you will be updating your legal name, if you have different pronouns than those associated with your birth gender or if you use the gender-neutral “Mx.” as a title instead of “Mr.,” “Ms.” or “Mrs.”
Choosing Your Nuptial Attire
You’ve probably already experienced difficulties shopping for clothes if you’re not within the typical gender binary. Apparel that fits one’s body, reflects one’s personal style and that supports the expression of one’s gender (or lack of one) can be tough to find. This is especially true if you were assigned female at birth and gravitate towards items typically considered “menswear,” or if you were assigned male at birth and love dresses, skirts and other traditionally “feminine” clothing.
Depending on your budget and fashion sense, you may have already found great shopping hacks of your own as well as some sartorially savvy wardrobe additions. Even so, you might come across other unique challenges in locating formalwear. Surprisingly, terms like “gender neutral” and “unisex” for clothing can further complicate matters because many designers resort to only masculine-styled apparel when trying to offer non-gendered attire.
Groundbreaking resources such as DapperQ’s article on androgynous formalwear can be pretty useful for some individuals. Meanwhile, people assigned male at birth who want to wear traditionally feminine-coded items are not without solutions for creating a distinctive wedding-day look. The curators of the Nonbinary Resource Tumblr site suggest mixing and matching items from multiple retailers, as well as being willing to shop at typically gendered clothing stores. If you decide to do the latter, research these establishments beforehand and confirm whether they offer friendly service to trans and gender-nonconforming people.
Making Your Wedding Your Own
When it’s all said and done, your wedding is yours to design and craft. You and your partner want it to reflect who you are, so it’s up to you to fashion it to fit while dispensing with limiting customs and traditions. You’ll have a little more planning and fine details to consider than most couples, but the results will be rewarding. Success relies on doing your research, carefully vetting your vendors and allowing yourself enough time to select the language, attire and trappings you want.
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