The Internet is chock-full of articles and comments about giving cash as a wedding gift. While monetary gifts are nothing new, the controversy seems to hover around the manner in which cash is presented as an option. On one hand, some friends and family members welcome the simplicity of writing a check or contributing toward a honeymoon fund. Other people feel that they are denied the opportunity to choose how they wish to celebrate the happy couple. As with many arguments, the truer, deeper emotions often lie below the words being used.
The Registry
The wedding registry was ostensibly created to be a tool to help newlyweds begin the process of feathering the nest, while providing friends and family with a gentle guide regarding taste and need. Nowadays, many couples have been sharing a nest for some time before they decide to officially tie the knot. They already have most everything they require to run a household. Consequently, the modern registry can resemble a letter to Santa Claus more than anything else, a list of wishes rather than needs. Critics complain that today's registry is less a gentle tool than a hammer of greed. This is one of those areas where emotions start to simmer.
Stagnant Vocabulary
Cultural shifts have changed the way many of us do things. Decades ago it was far less socially acceptable for couples to live together, while now it is fairly commonplace. People are still getting married, however, and relying on traditional structures to plan and carry out their weddings. A bride may choose to wear a white dress, or not, free of the burden of an antiquated cultural requirement that she be sexually pure at the time of her nuptials. Her reasons are her own, and the dress may function as fashion or symbol, as she wishes. In our culture, however imperfectly, we have addressed the dress. Money is a different matter. If the nature of gift-giving and the concept of the registry have changed, we have not yet developed a sufficient vocabulary to talk about it.
What Is a Wedding Gift?
The essence of a gift, for many, is that it is something generated by a giver, to be given. As many a Dear Abby column has reinforced, once a gift is given it may be cherished or discarded at the discretion of the recipient. The giver must let go. Before that point, however, the giver exercises his or her agency to conceive of, select, purchase or otherwise control the gift. A frequent complaint of people who disparage the modern registry is that it frequently resembles a brazen list of demands, rather than suggestions. A funny thing is, no matter how often advice columnists reassure the irate would-be gifters that they can ignore the list and do whatever they want and can afford, feathers remain ruffled. Once again, this may be more an issue of tone and poor communication than of greed.
Toasters are Out, Bali Is In
Is helping to pay for a couple's honeymoon such a bad thing? After all, recent studies have pointed out that couples who take a honeymoon have a higher chance of staying happily married than those who do not. In that light, a snorkeling trip to Hawaii is the gift that keeps on giving. Here is another opportunity to bridge the gap between the older tradition of the tangible gift and the newer custom of cash contributions toward an event. Gratitude is something that never goes out of style, and is rarely misinterpreted. A heartfelt, handwritten thank you note expressing how much the trip meant, how perfectly it started you and your beloved off on your lifelong adventure, and how grateful you are to share your milestone with loved ones is a tradition worth keeping.
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