Planning your own funerary arrangements can be difficult enough, but what if you have serious doubts that your wishes will be honored after you die? This is a common worry for people estranged from their families due to their LGBTQ status or different religious beliefs. A couple of sadly common examples include pagans being given a Christian burial or transgender people being mourned as their birth name and gender instead of their authentic selves. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to reduce the likelihood of this happening to you after your demise.
Advanced Directives May Not Be Helpful
Those with specific desires on how medical and funeral decisions should be handled frequently use advance directives to spell them out. As Funeralwise points out, these often take the form of living wills, health care durable power of attorney documents and “do not resuscitate” orders. Typically, these go into effect when an individual is incapacitated and not expected to recover. In these cases, you can name a health care proxy to ensure that surviving kin adheres to your wishes. However, Christine Colby discloses in her “Dying Trans” guide on The Order of the Good Death’s website that only a few states, such as North Carolina, allow health care proxies to make choices regarding a person’s funeral arrangements.
Your Rights Vary According to Your Jurisdiction
The degree of control you have over how your funeral is executed depends on the state in which you live. The Funeral Consumers Alliance listed the legal requirements that specify who is eligible to make these decisions in every jurisdiction, along with how residents should document their final wishes. Regulations tend to be uneven and spotty from state to state. For instance, Alaskan law does not recognize the naming of designated agents to oversee one’s funerary preferences, forcing residents to detail them in their advance directives. Mississippi requires a prepaid funeral contract to make one’s desires legally binding, and Michigan allows these to be named in one’s will but permits family members to override them.
Designated Agents and Personal Preference Laws
Thankfully, some locales have statutes insisting that survivors honor a deceased person’s wishes for burial, memorial services, cremation and other matters except in cases in which they would prove to be financially or logistically burdensome. Other states let their residents legally designate agents to ensure that their wishes are carried out. Some jurisdictions, such as Oregon, have laws permitting both personal preference for funerary arrangements and the naming of designated agents.
Depending on where you live, the document in which you name the person to execute your final wishes might be called something like a “Designated Agent Form” as it is in Ohio, or the “Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains” as it’s referred to in New York. If you feel that you might need to safeguard your intentions, it's a good idea to choose and name your decision-maker as soon as possible. Moreover, it's also wise to spell out these details for your final arrangements:
- The disposal method for your body
- An officiant whom you want to conduct your memorial
- Any religious rites you prefer for your funeral
- The name and pronouns that should be used for you
- Specifications for your burial location and headstone, if applicable
Take Legally Available Steps to Secure Your Final Arrangements
Thinking about your death may not be pleasant. Nevertheless, it’s a necessary step if you have specific ideas about how you are to be memorialized and you’re estranged from your family. Detailing your wishes according to your state’s laws, along with designating an agent to carry them out, are both prudent moves to make sure you’ll be remembered in the manner of your choosing.
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