A certain amount of stress is inherent to the planning of any big wedding, but interfaith unions pose unique challenges for couples seeking to marry their beliefs, or simply to get married with both of their families in the same room. Couples from different religious backgrounds face the task of finding ways to include rituals that are meaningful to them both. If they want a big wedding with all the aunties and cousins, they might feel they have to find ways, as well, of satisfying extended family on both sides who may harbor mixed feelings about the marriage.
Obstacles to Inclusivity
Couples of differing faiths are far more likely to marry in a civil ceremony than to attempt a service with one or more religious leaders. In the past, it was typical for one person in the couple to acquiesce to the other's choice of clergy for the ceremony. While this simplified the service, it was not necessarily a happy solution for all. Neither is this choice always possible. Even today, conservative and sometimes not-so-conservative clergy have their hands tied in respect to multi-faith services. For example:
- Most rabbis are not allowed to perform interfaith services at all.
- Many Protestant ministers do not marry couples of different faiths.
- In the Islamic community, an Imam may marry a Muslim man to a Christian or Jewish woman. The same Imam, however, may not marry a Muslim woman to a Christian or Jewish man.
Catholic clergy have the freedom to perform weddings alongside religious leaders of other faiths. In addition, Catholic wedding services are not required to include a Mass. The elimination of the Mass helps to prevent non-Catholics from being excluded from whole pieces of the service. Even so, the Catholic church does not go so far as to openly encourage interfaith marriage.
Interfaith Still Often Discouraged
Religious restrictions make it difficult to design a service in which both faiths feel represented and honored. To a certain degree, that may be intentional. Even when some clergy members are allowed to participate in an interfaith service, many choose not to. Compassionate religious leaders may sympathize with couples who desire to gain the blessing of representatives of both of their faiths, but they do not always see cooperation as part of their job. Many clergy believe that interfaith marriages fight an uphill battle and so try to dissuade couples from marrying outside. At the very least, say some leaders, couples should know what they are getting into.
Time, Money and Kids **
Marriage counselors have been known to say that there are three primary things married couples argue over. They disagree about how to raise their kids, how to spend their money and how to spend their time. While these three areas may be intertwined for any couple, the discussion may become more intense and start earlier for interfaith couples. While some couples may not argue over these things until they actually have kids, the interfaith couple may be pushed into the deep end of the pool at the wedding planning stage. Even if the people who are getting married consider themselves secular, extended family may take the opportunity to speculate openly and doubtfully about what the future holds for a couple of mixed background. Much may be made of the idea of diluting faith in children by exposing them to too big a mix. Family may express anxiety that their faith will be discarded in favor of another or that faith will be eliminated entirely from the children's experience.
Of course, after the wedding, the waters may calm enough for a couple to gaze out onto the horizon and discover unique ways to honor the best from both sides. They might find there is room on the buffet for both the ruggeleh and the chocolate Easter eggs, and that the mix is actually delicious.
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