There is good reason why most sports implement a time-out signal. The time-out is an essential tool for regrouping when the situation is too hot to handle. It can be a game-saver if, and when, players need to step away and cool off. In the sports world, referees and coaches use standardized gestures to call a time-out. Couples can take a page from that playbook and come up with their own signal to use when an argument threatens to cross the line from process to problem.
Conflict 101
Arguing is one of those things that does not get a ton of press in wedding magazines. However, developing a strategy for arguing with your partner is one of the ways to build a strong foundation for all kinds of interaction. All couples disagree sometimes. An argument can be a crash course in communication, as long as the conflict does not escalate out of control. When a disagreement veers so far off track that the only objective is to hurt the other person, it is time to call time-out. Some red flags:
- The argument started when one or both people were hungry, tired or drunk.
- The language becomes insulting or mean.
- There is a threat of physical violence.
How Does It Work?
One of the keys to creating a time-out signal that works is to create one before you need it. With your partner, acknowledge the likelihood that at some point you will engage in a disagreement that blows up beyond your capacity to behave with respect and compassion toward the other person. Then, create a gesture or come up with a word that may be figuratively thrown down on the field when one or both of you are about to crack. It can be the iconic "T" referees make with their hands. It can be something unique. One couple uses a bell such as the ones used at actual boxing matches. The only real criterion is that it is recognized by the both of you to mean "stop."
Why It Works
A clue as to why time-outs work lies in what they do not mean as much as what they do mean. Calling a time-out does not signify that the issue has been resolved, or that someone has "won." A time-out says, "I'm overwhelmed. I need a break. Let's pick this up later." It is a loving gesture toward both oneself and one's partner a move to intervene before one or both of you get hurt. Openly initiating a break is a far different technique than merely walking away when things get rough. In fact, showing someone your back during a heated exchange can have the opposite effect of détente. It may actually take the argument to another, more volatile level. That is another reason why developing a signal ahead of time is critical. It offers an unambiguous sign that there needs to be a break in the action.
How to Use a Time-Out
In a marriage, sometimes you move as one, sometimes you move as two, and sometimes you smack right up against each other. This last one can hurt. Once you stop the clock with a time-out, a bit of healing can begin. Take a breath. Take a walk. Get something to eat. Drink a glass of water. It may be that after twenty or so minutes you and your partner are ready to take up the discussion. On the other hand, maybe a good night's sleep is in order before you can resume. The old adage that says you should never go to bed angry is sketchy advice at best. A healthy marriage can handle a bit of anger, even overnight. Agreeing to put the argument on the shelf until you are prepared to fight fair is a sign of true commitment.
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